Wednesday, May 28, 2008

new rules

I got this in my email
this morning

You've probably heard them before
but they're still funny - every time
you read them!


New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from
rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it
for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule:
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for! There's a
reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly
like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is
doing these days --- mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did
you expect it to contain? Lobster?

New Rule:
Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have a better description
for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'

New Rule:
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone.. Here's how much men
care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole
aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste.
Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water?
Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy,
half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry,
light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a
huge asshole .

New Rule:
I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card,
entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding,
no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is
supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Mars Bar.

New Rule:
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't
make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates
to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were
praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy
old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a
remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember
the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the
idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex
with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just
some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude.
I just want to wash my hands

New Rule:
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear
'27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese.
And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule:
If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job
that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce
or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future
around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'

*thanks Rebecca


Some Guy said...

Carlin has still got it!

SkylersDad said...

I always thought the same thing about the young boys and the hot teachers. I prayed someone would have tried to warp my young brain back then!

Micgar said...

Those should be the Golden Rules!