Wednesday, December 10, 2008

guest post

And now boys & girls
another outstanding guest post
from the great 2fools

enjoy....


Dear Jen:
I bet your readers didn't know you were a stalker.
But, I, as your ever-present co-conspirator, shall enlighten them.
The year is 1985. Jen and I, who have nothing better to do over
winter vacations, weekends, and after school, but to crank call every
one and their brother.
Yes, folks, Jen and I were the original Jerky Boys.
Jen, ever the brilliant director, would force me at gun point
to call different businesses in the area, Almacs Supermarket, Kinkos,
restaurants, you name it...
"Ask 'em if they have flavored mayonnaise!
- Ask how to make potato salad!
- Do it! And do the voice, do the voice!"

We taunted everyone we could possibly think of, up to and
including local radio station personality "Tony M"
We pinned down his work schedule and would call him on
all of his shifts to request songs and make him say
"This is going out to JEN AND ANGELA
in (our hometown), Rhode Island" - We called him so often that
he eventually would chat with us on the phone his entire shift,
putting us on hold to do his announcements.

We were FLIRTING - each of us developed a slight crush on him
until he invited us (or we won tickets to) the Radio Station
Sponsored Haunted House, to which he brought his wife "SOFIE"
We were so appalled, first that he brought his wife
(though we were all of 13 years old), second because she was a
hideous monster with a great big mole on her face.
He wasn't so hot himself. HAHAHA

If you think that's bad, that lady from the Golden Girls, Betty White
did a commercial for some dog food called "Science Diet"
There was an 800 number you could call to get a free sample of
dog or cat food. So, Jen and I would call over and over and over and
over and over again giving the same address, but different names
- REALLY STUPID ONES like:
Francis Buttercorn
Donnie Marie Melucci-ConCarne
Dana Bixby
Shananana Baxter-Burney
Biscuit O'Shea

Jen and I had dog food piling up outside the mailbox.
My father, the shirtless wonder, came in the house one day and said,
"IS THIS YOU??? FRANCIS BUTTERCORN???
ARE YOU SENDING DOG FOOD TO THIS HOUSE???
THATS FUCKING MAIL FRAUD
- DO YOU WANT ME TO GET ARRESTED?!?!?!?!"
I did want him to get arrested. But that's not why we did it.
We did it because we could.

I have received every free sample you can possibly think
of from tampons to condoms, adult diapers and denture cream,
all under thousands of aliases we created. Just last year my mail man
said to me, "Hey - I kept bringing all this mail back to the post office
thinking it was going to the wrong house. Then it occurred to me...
these names can't be real... this must be some private joke thing...
so I figured I oughtta deliver it." So, I explained it to the mailman
- who until I moved called me "Harriet Pigman".


We will never grow up. Never.

7 comments:

Some Guy said...

Awesome.

2 fools said...

Oh the stories...I have many to share. I think we were the female version of Dumb and Dumber... Jen had a massive Casio keyboard and she'd dress me up in various wigs and sunglasses and make me sing songs like "Don't go Changin'" in the voice of Yoko Ono. Make her tell you about the time we were gonna hit the big time as the next Beat Street breakdancing duo. HAHAHAHA Its hard to believe how much fun we had amidst the tragedy we endured during our childhoods. We made our own world. Thanks Jen - without you, I wouldn't have a single good memory of my childhood. :) (playing the world's tiniest violin as a single tear dribbles down my cheek) ::HOLD ME::

Miss Alex said...

I just laughed so hard cause me and my best friend did exactly that. We'd call up help lines and talk about how depressed we were over dumb shit like the supermarket not having pulp orange juice... fantastic... fan fucking tastic..... *applause*

Marni said...

I was never so brave... wish I had been just to have those memories.

I ditto Chris: Awesome.

teri said...

I've come to know this about you

child of 5 = jen and angela

Nobody™ said...

This explains the sudden deluge of feminine hygiene products in my mail box.

Annie said...

Sounds so familiar. My sister and I would crank everyone.

Our famous one was to call the local Cumberland Farms or convenience stores and complain that we bought milk there and we went to pour a glass of it there was a nipple in it.

Sick, I know but we would laugh our asses off and it's a memory we will never forget!