Email

Here is an email
I received from my
friend Angela this morning...
It's long, but it's good.

enjoy.


Good Morning, Jen. How was your evening?
Mine? Oh! mine was GREAT. Let me share:

I walk in the door from work, Jack in tow and I discover that the house
is much darker than usual. So... I click on the lamp and nothing, I try all
the other lights, NOTHING. As you know, I live in a duplex. The lights were
on next door, so I figured I blew a fuse. I head down to the basement while
having the following conversation:

Jack: "Mom, mommy, mama, mom, what happened to the lights?
I'm scared, where are you going? can I come?"

Me: "No, Jack, just wait here, I don't want you to get hurt down there."

Jack:"But I'm skerrrrrrrrrred"

Me: "SIT DOWN ON THE COUCH, I'll be RIGHT back!"

in walks my boyfriend

Aaron: "What's up?"

Me: "I don't know the lights are out, I'm on the phone with the electric company,
they say there's a transformer out in Smithfield"

Aaron: "Well, it wouldn't be just one side of the duplex, did you pay the electric bill?"

Me: "No, but it's not that late, they wouldn't just shut it off."

(some of the private information has been changed incase you decide to post this travesty)

Electric Company: "Can I have your 40 digit account number please" (okay, I'm exaggerating)

Me: "Well, I don't KNOW it!"

Electric Company: "Social Security # please?"

Me: "Oh Three Five...

Electric Company: "Just a minute Ma'am... okay, what was that? Oh Five Five?"

Me: "UUUUUUUGGGGHHHHH! NO!!!!!! OH THREE FIVE"

Electric Company: "Okay, the name on the account?"

Me: Angela "Blackinese"

Electric Company: "Can you confirm the address on the account"

Me: "Yeah, ITS 7B SHITMAN STREET"

Electric Company: "And now I'll just need you to confirm the phone number on the account?"

Me: "JESUS, LADY! "231-5555"

the world's longest pause

Me: "hello? hello? HUH- LOWWWWWWWWW!"

Electric Company: "Just a minute ma'am while I pull up that account"

Electric Company: "Do I have permission to view the account?"

AHHHH GOD! Are they for fucking real? I didn't just give you all that information just to say,
"No, no, lady... don't look, I'll just put my fucking lights back on with my telekinesis"

Me: "YES! YES!"

Electric Company: "MMmkay, yeah, I'm showing here your account was
cancelled for non-payment"

this is the part where I bust a motherfucking gasket

Me: "What the FUCK are you talking about!? I never even got a notice...
it's not that late! Are you FUCKING kidding me? My heat is out! I got a fucking 7
year old here, and I'm pregnant. Did you know that I've had to call you FUCKING
people every month to get my balance because I'm not getting any BILLS, LOOK
THAT UP IN YOUR COMPUTER! I'm SURE there's some 'NOTATION' in the
account that I've had to call and get my balance every GOD DAMN MONTH!!!"

Electric Company: "Ma'am? If you continue to swear, I'll end the conversation"

Me: "OH YEAH? Well, listen, let me just pay it and you can put it right back on"

Electric Company: "You can make that payment at any payment center.....

Me: "WHAT? A PAYMENT CENTER?!?!?!?! It's 6:30 at night! Where am I going
to find a fucking payment center! Can't I just pay it over the phone?

Electric Company: "Ma'am...I can give you the telephone number of AssMatrix"

Me: "Yeah, that would be GREAT! IF I COULD FUCKING SEE IN HERE TO FIND A
FUCKING PEN TO WRITE IT DOWN!"

Electric Company: "That number is: blah, blah, blah, I'll connect you"

Ass Matrix: "AssMatrix may I have your account number please?"

Me: "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh 8484757572 38919493
497575738483 2983289849357"

AssMatrix: "okay, the balance is 78.77, did you wish to pay the ENTIRE amount"

Me: "THEY FUCKING SHUT OFF MY FUCKING ELECTRIC FOR 78.77?!?!?!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!

AssMatrix: "Okay, Miss? Did you want to pay that entire balance?"
Me: "Yes, I'll pay that ENTIRE balance"

AssMatrix: "Okay, Ma'am.... (speeding to the end) your confirmation
# is: 093409834982084209384, you need to call back customer service
and give them this code.

calling the back the electric company - bloodpressure: 200 over 90

Me:"Yeah, my electric got shut off and I need to give you my payment
code so you'll put my goddamn lights back on"

Electric Company: "Ex-KYOOOZ me?"

Me: "Yeah, okay - SORRY okay? I NEED to give you this code for the payment I made"

Electric Company: "Account number please?"

Me: "Ah, God... the ACCOUNT number is.... 09384093 84093397 50703984834083"

Electric Company: "And the payment code?"

Me: "023998"

Electric CompanY: "okay, great... Ms. Blackinese we have recorded your
payment and your electric should be on within 24 hours"

Me: "TWENTY FOUR FUCKING HOURS? WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?! ITS FREEZING
IN HERE! I HAVE A SEVEN YEAR OLD IN HERE!!!"

Electric Company: "Well, Ma'am - all I can tell you is it should be back on within 24 hours."

Shipped Jack off to my mother in laws... went and ate tacos... went to bed and froze.

Woke up late, took a shower, no fucking hair dryer! No iron for my clothes.

It's a lovely morning. Sure, I smell great, but I still look homeless.