Tuesday, December 04, 2007

flashback

First day of school..
First grade
circa 1980

It's an exciting day..
I've got my mickey mouse pencil box and
I'm ready to take on the world

Enter class room.. take a seat... look around...
See some kids I knew from kindergarten
and lots of kids I didn't know

Teacher passes out some supplies
a new box of crayons... you know you love it
all crispy and new - sharpened to perfection!

Then you get a pair of those little scissors...
you can't wait to cut into that first piece of construction paper

Then a new pencil is passed out to one and all.
AND that #2 pencil ruined my first day of class..






Mrs. Campbell...
a mean and nasty woman
(I made you this visual)
<------------






So I'm sitting at my desk minding my own goddamn business
and I have my new pencil.. just rolling it on my desk
innocently pushing it with my finger.. watching it as rolls back down

THEN MRS CAMPBELL
says to me

"JENNIFER, put your pencil in the ledge.."

I stop and look at her - she caught me off guard...

"JENNIFER PLACE YOU PENCIL
IN THE LEDGE LIKE TIMOTHY"


I'm like a deer in headlights -
my brain is scrambling
First of ALL
WHO THE FUCK is TIMOTHY?? and WHAT'S A LEDGE????

What do I do?? What do I do??
What is this ledge she speaks of???

I look at her puzzled - too afraid to speak

NOW SHE SCREAMS at the TOP OF HER LUNGS!!!!!

"JENNIFER!!! PUT - YOUR - PENCIL
IN THE LEDGE - LIKE - TIMOTHY!!!!"


she was CRAZY

the class sits - stunned - silent

"IN THE LEDGE!!!!"
"PUT IT IN THE LEDGE NOW!!!"

I could only think two things:
WHO is TIMOTHY?? It's the first day.. I don't know who Timothy is!!!
and WHAT'S A LEDGE????
WHAT'S A LEDGE? OH GOD...WHAT'S A LEDGE???

I'm terrified
I was unable to reply....only nervously muster a few sounds
"emm... umm ....errff"

"JENNIFER!! WHAT DID I TELL YOU?!?!?!?"

at this point - I'm about to piss my pants
Then THE TEACHER POINTS to the young man to my left
and there sat "TIMOTHY" with this proud look of
accomplishment - because his pencil
sat in the little indention at the top of his desk
He points to his pencil with a smug look on his stupid little face.

Fuck you Timothy...

I realized what the "ledge" was and immediately placed
my precious pencil on it










that evil monster of a teacher was then able to move on
with the rest of her day - now that this pencil crisis had been averted
I hope she slept well that night, knowing that she had broken
the spirit of a six year old that day.

Dear Mrs. Campbell
I hope you felt good yelling like a fucking lunatic at a 6 year old..
No really... You were justified - If all the first graders don't place their pencils
on the ledge
it will lead to anarchy... mayhem... rioting in the streets

Thanks for ruining my first day of school... I'm 34 years old and I still remember this
you really made a great impact -
I'm shocked you never received the teacher of the year award...


You're probably in your eighties now
I hope the food sucks at the nursing home...
Evil Bitch...

Pffffft




*this has been another fascinating post from casual slack
You're Welcome.

15 comments:

Dick Small said...

Sorry, but...
hahahahhhah. As I was reading it, I was thinking "What the hell's a ledge????
hahah

Teri said...

don't ya just love adults when you're a wee child. why couldn't she have said "that indentation at the top of your desk?"

your desk is covered by "ledges". WTF does that mean.

What a bitch.

You needed therapy after that, didn't you?

Don't listen to Dick. He LOVES to see kids cry and pee themselves.

Dick Small said...

So Teri, you gonna do a Christmas meme??

Teri said...

nope! there's enough enjoyment from you and Zed and whoever did it.

coffeypot said...

Funny! You should look her up and go stand in front of her and yell, “Mrs. Campbell! If you shit in your Depends one more time I am taking you to the office. DO YOUR HEAR ME, WOMAN? One more time! If you have to go, then raise your hand like Mrs. Jones and you may go to the potty. Otherwise, I will take the wheels off your walker.”

Anonymous said...

I laughed so fucking hard I cried literally uncontrollably crying and laughing like a crazy bitch in my cubicle

Alex -

Mel said...

At least you are not bitter.

My first grade teacher was Mrs Masters and she had a beehive (it was the 60s ok??) and she was an evil bitch, I hated her. She was stupid enough to take on my mom. No one survived when my mom got riled. I need to blog about this I guess huh?

joyh said...

I remember the woman who said I didn't belong in the top-stream 'cos I made one teensy spelling error...

And the games mistress who regularly humiliated me in front of the class because I was never any good at sports (and hated them - from then to now!)

Nobody™ said...

Great story, but...

WHO THE FUCK IS TIMOTHY?! And what him so perfect with his little pencil?

Micgar said...

wow-Jen, you seemed to have had some awful experiences with teachers! As a teacher I say in a collective manner, sorry for those rotten apples!

Cooper Green said...

Carefully placed, a sharpened 2H pencil can leave an impressive mark on a person. Just be glad you didn't turn out like that suckhole Timothy.

Zed said...

There's a Timothy in every classroom, and it ain't good.

Annie said...

Wow. It was like I was right there in the classroom. You missed your calling. Great story!

Lynda said...

Flashback posts are my favorite.

And I bet Timothy is just some pencil pusher now.

Amy said...

I think I have you beat. I'll post about it...

But what a freakin' whacko.