Tuesday, March 18, 2008

flashback

flashback
circa 1985


I wanted to play the piano
so my parents did the most logical thing..
they went and bought...

wait for it...
wait for it....








this.














yeah..
they bought an ORGAN

They said - "go to practice,
and learn this first - it has a piano sound on it -
it's the same exact thing!!"


*sigh*

So I went to take some lessons at the mall
(because apparently - my childhood just wasn't disturbing enough)

The teachers name was "DOT"
she wore sweaters like Bill Cosby...
had a raspy, chain smoker voice...
and reeked of nicotine and perfume...

She often talked about her BINGO game
from the previous night..

I made you this kick ass visual:


















"Dot" would sit behind me at a table
facing the wall
And every lesson she would bring in soup

and every lesson I had to listen to
the soup ritual

1. The Smashing of the Crackers
it was one of those little bags of oyster crackers
and she would smoosh it around in her hand
and it would make that cellophane paper - crinkle sound
it went on... and on... and on...

2. The Cooling of the Soup
FFffffhhhhhhhhoooooooooooooooooooooooo
FFfffhhhhhhhhooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Fhhhhhhhhoooooooooooooooooooooooo
FFfffhhhhhhhhooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

3. Slurp & Consume
Slurp.. chew chew.. Swallow
Slurp.. chew chew.. Swallow
Slurp.. chew chew.. Swallow

and as if this wasn't painful enough....
In between all of this she would bark out orders

"C C C!
G G G!"


"YOU HAVEN'T BEEN PRACTICING
YOUR CHORDS!"

"I can tell ya know"

"whhhhoooooooaaaa!
that was off key"



Although I could play a mean rendition of
"deck the halls" and "happy birthday"
my future as a professional organist just wasn't in the cards

I quit




the end

18 comments:

Teri said...

I think you need a life do over with a new family.

you poor child!

VE said...

Somehow telling your daughter to go practice on an organ isn't very good parental advice...

Anonymous said...

Wasn't it great to be heard!

If your folks are like mine, when you finally got the nerve to share your feelings they downplayed it with a trivial answer like...
"You should be lucky we got you anything, others kids don't have parents like us."

"You're too picky, don't be ungrateful...piano, organ...they both are the same...stop complaining."

...now the clinker
"I think you said organ...you need to speak up..."

Bitch.

Dick Small said...

the ORGAN!!!! Hahahahahaaa!!!
My parents had one that I played ca. '74, but I thought they were outlawed in the 80's.... well, apparantly not, but they should have been.

Dick Small said...

.... at the MALL... hahaha

Jen said...

BWahahahahhahaha

M@ said...

Jesus. It was 1985. I had a Casio keyboard (4.5 octaves) and no piano lessons.

Special K said...

I got a Brother laptop keyboard with a nifty button that would play a Bossa nova beat in the background.

*weeeeping*

Kunstemæcker said...

Everyone wore Bill Cosby sweaters back then.

Amy said...

You know that could explain a lot.
You where deprvied as a kid, no snoopy sluch maker and an organ??

Love your blog!

Jen said...

thanks Amy!
welcome to the slack

Jen said...

Kunstemæcker - everyone but me!

Lynda said...

hehe. I would have thought your parents would buy you a synthesizer.

SkylersDad said...

My sister plays the organ and piano. When we were in high school she got the opportunity to take a trip with school to Europe. They did a tour of same famous cathedral in Germany, and she got to play this massive pipe organ that was hundreds of years old!

alybeth72 said...

I think you would be a perfect candidate for the new reality show that I am trying to pitch...

Extreme Family Makeover

I will just give the producers your blog, and they will be throwing millions at you to join their show...

Im just saying....

Jen said...

I like the sound of
"throwing millions at me"

where do I sign?

Winter said...

Hahahahahaha.

Micgar said...

I can hear Dot's smoker's rasp in between the slurps right now-its that vivid!