Wednesday, September 06, 2006

guest post


And now ladies & gentlemen
a guest post from the infamous ZED

Enjoy...



Jen's Fair State of Rhode Island

Rhode Island is a little, tiny, tiny, tiny, little, tiny state on the
northeast coast of the U.S., with Massachusetts to its north and Connecticut to its west. When Americans play the game Name the States on long car trips, Rhode Island will most likely be the state whose name no one can recall. I dare you to name its capital off the top of your head. Go ahead. Well the answer is Providence, and by a show of hands, how many of us have been there? I thought so.
No one even lives in Providence. It's empty. There's a McDonald's and a Payless, and one bus that goes from East Providence to Newport twice a day. You'd think there'd be a "West Providence" if there's an East Providence, but RI's just not wide enough to accommodate it.
Roger Williams founded the state in 1686. And for that, everywhere you go there's something named after him: Roger Williams National Memorial, Roger Williams Park & Zoo, Roger Williams Park Boathouse, Roger Williams University. Roger Williams this and Roger Williams that. It gets old.
If you start at the easternmost tip of Connecticut and drive toward the Atlantic Ocean, it will take 9 to 11 minutes to cross the entire state if you drive at a snail's pace. Whatever you do, don't take a short nap, or you'll miss it. But while Rhode Island is very very very small, it's a beautiful state, I'll say that for it.
There's water and boating and lighthouses everywhere, and many stately mansions owned by famous millionaires of the past exist in Newport. In fact, Jen is a direct descendant of the Vanderbilts, but I believe she was cast out of the Vanderbilt family about 12 years ago for some very questionable behavior. Ahem. I don't think she wants to discuss that in any detail, and being the soul of discretion, neither shall I. I'm so sorry I even brought it up.
Rhode Island's 400 miles of coastline are quite impressive. But don't fall into the sea because no one lives in Rhode Island except for Jen and Tim and a few fishermen--or to be politically correct, fisherpeople--and the governor, and they're all far too busy to go lookin' for the likes of you or your family in the ocean.
Block Island, a beautiful vacation place, is owned by the state. It is about 30 minutes east by high-speed ferry, and I've heard it's moving out to sea at a rate of 1-2 inches per 5 years. The truth is, it's trying to separate itself from RI.
Well that's about it. Jen might become governor of this fair state some day and turn the whole thing around for Rhode Island. I believe she can do it; I hope so. In ten years there could be 2 Payless shoe stores in Providence, a bigger McDonalds, and a KFC; you never know.

Zed

19 comments:

Jen said...

HAhahAHHAHhaHAa!!

Teri said...

wow, that was amazing and so much useful information.

Rhode Island is a kicking state but I think it would be better with Jen as governor.

I'd vote for her...

Did you get any inheritance with the Vanderbilt name or did they disown you?

Great job sis.

Zed said...

Thanks Teri!

I'm moving to Rhode Island. I hear the tax rate's extremely low since no one lives there. :)

Teri said...

hey, maybe I'll move there too. I'm tired of these high prices in Jersey.

kim said...

You forgot our infamous big blue bug

Sans Pantaloons said...

Excellent post!
Very informative and well written.

I must visit, can I fly to Rhode Island airport?

Nobody said...

I've never been to Rhode Island, but I've been on a road on an island which should count for something.

I did know the state capital. I'm good with those.

hapabukbuk said...

I've been through RI a few times on the way to Boston. I often find myself sighing when looking out over the coastal towns. They are just too charming and quaint not to. I hate ending sentences with prepositions but that one called for it.

Zed said...

What's the big blue bug of which Kim speaks?

Jen said...

Big Blue Bug...
Explained in this old post
here

2 fools said...

Jen was caught shagging a Kennedy on the Rose Cliff's of Newport. That was the Vanderbilt shame of which Zed spoke. You're a dirty hog... someone should put a red letter on your blouse. Wait blouses are too classy for your cheap self. Put a red letter on your members only jacket.

Zed said...

Who'd have thunk it Angela... Not Jen. Not OUR Jen!

Grant Miller said...

I was in RI last month. There was a guy who gave us a ride to and from the Quonset Point dock to the Dollar Car rental office. Or maybe it was Hertz. Anyway, do you know him? He seemed nice. Are all Rhode Islanders nice?

Jen said...

yeah I know that guy

It's whats his name...

He's an asshole..

Everyone in this state is

Zed said...

That's no way for a future governor of Rhode Island to talk, Jen. You're in politics now... (Although the story 2Fools told about you and the Kennedy's might change everything.)

Jen said...

2Fools
was caught shagging a Kennedy on the Rose Cliff's of Newport.

Not ME...
She just said it was me to cover her popular ass
(just like the email post)
hmmmmm

Doctor Mom said...

Hey-- You were supposed to be a guest host in Cul-de-Sac...

Have we been denied?

Doctor Mom said...

I would like to be Queen of Everything rather than Governor

Zed said...

Doctor Mom, I'm going to do a guest post in Cul-de-Sac, I promise, but Jen asked me to do one here before I won the RCDS contest. I'll do one for you by Monday--maybe even as early as Saturday. I hope that's okay. :)