Tuesday, June 19, 2007

doctors SUCK

"What do you call the guy who
finished last in his medical
school class?

You call him doctor."

- that's what I'm talking about!

I loathe doctors..

I never.. ever go
unless I'm near death
or need a re-fill on my birth control pills of course..
or a re-fill on my asthma medicine so I don't DIE
but other than that.. forget it!

I have been suffering with allergies the past few months
they have never been this bad

So finally, I give in - I call the dreaded doctor
I haven't been in a few years.

This is the charming conversation that took place:

Me: "I need to make an appointment with Dr. "Fucktard""
Office Bitch: " You haven't been here in quite some time
(*said in mean voice - like she takes it as a personal insult that I haven't been in)
so I need to find you an hour slot for the 1 hour physical"
Me: uhhh ONE HOUR?! what does that entail? (
*said in annoyed voice)
Office Bitch: *Pause* - IT'S A PHYSICAL! (*mean voice)
We can't fit you it until August
Me: So I am just supposed to suffer until August? That's Perfect!
Office Bitch: That is our office protocol!
(*mean voice once again)
Me: Can't she just fit me in next week so I can get some allergy medicine
Office Bitch: "Do you have an allergist?"
Me: **pause** "NO" (If I had a fucking allergist why would I be calling you??)
Office Bitch - "well I don't know, hold on.." slams the phone down
- puts me on hold for an eternity
Different Office Bitch: "Can I help you?"
Me: (here we go again, apparently I was too much for office bitch one to handle)
"I need to make an appointment..can I just make an appointment and come for the
one hour extravaganza another time?"
Different Office Bitch: "Do you have an allergist?"
Me: Thinking to myself - ARE THEY FUCKING KIDDING????
(I can feel my face getting red.. blood pressure rising) -
"No.. I DO NOT have an allergist"
Different Office Bitch: "Can you come in next Wednesday?"
Me: "yes, Wednesday is fine" (did they have to make it this difficult?)
Different Office Bitch: - "Well.. okay but I am going to also schedule
your one hour physical for august"

Me: "whatever..."

If I worked in a doctors office I would never be this nasty
what's the deal with Nurses and doctors office employees?
Miserable fucks!!!

And can someone tell me what the ONE HOUR PHYSICAL CONSISTS OF?

What the hell do they do to you that takes an HOUR?

sick bastards..
they must sit around all day thinking of new & exciting
ways they can violate you!

no thanks.

Just give me some fucking Zyrtec and I'll be on my merry way



Anonymous said...

Doctors. They're all so temperamental. And their secretaries.... like Damien's guard dog.

MC said...

I think I would be pissy too if I had to be around sick people all day... I mean, that's sort of why work sucks so hard, isn't it... everybody is sick in someway or another.

Lynda said...

They work on commission I bet.

My doctor's office is much nicer than that.

Teri aka "Peach Pit" said...

Jen, please do the following:

1. find another family doctor
2. get an allergist.

my allergist deals strickly with my allergies and allergy shots and the family doctor is just there for other crap. that way you can go see your allergist, don't get all the shit and you feel better. (Although I go to my family doctor who administers my allergy shots. who can afford my allergists fee of $25 each month. my other co-pay is $15)

you're welcome!

Anonymous said...

Well, I've been the bitchy secretary. Trust me... some patients are worse. I actually had a lady that was SUING GOODWILL. She was a lazy bitch. And there are PLENTY of patients that just want the pain meds they are addicted to.

I honestly have no clue why they want you to have a physical so bad... just to make sure everything is working right and stuff I guess...

Zed said...

Hahahaaaa! That story was hysterical!!

However, I LOVE my doctor, who won't let me leave until he goes through (for the 200th time) his 1-hour rant about HMOs and insurance companies, and how they've ruined his practice. He's a great doctor though; it's just that he has decided I'm his source of therapy.

His office staff? They're all a bunch of losers, just like the people you encountered ...

Nobody™ said...

I like my doctor, but that bitch that answers the phone can go to hell and die.

I think it was the zyrtec that was making me tired all the time. I stopped taking it about a week ago and I feel much better. Except I fucking sneeze all the time now.

Angela said...

Going to the doctor SUCKS. Like you, I only go when I'm dying. They always ask 10000 personal questions and it's like "What? No - I haven't had unprotected sex with a whore OR an IV drug user."


Jules said...

I had a great laugh when reading your blog today. Thanks for making my workday easier :) The doctors story is so true too.

Jen said...

thanks Jules!
and thanks for stopping by
hope to see you back

noerb said...

I better have that lump checked out....after vacation....

Julie Schuler said...

Doctor's want to check you out thoroughly when they take you on, to make sure you don't have any medical conditions that would be incompatible with the prescriptions you are asking for, so you don't have a bad reaction and sue them for malpractice.

My biggest gripe is that it takes a zillion dollars to get a diagnosis. I've been trying to find out why I keep losing my equilibrium, after several blood tests, CT scans, MRI, I still get a shrug, and I've maxed out my annual HMO allotment. So I paid $1500 and I haven't been treated for anything yet!