guest post

And now..
a guest post from
my good buddy
Angela A.K.A 2 fools

enjoy


June 15, 1983

Jen and I were reminiscing about the good times, which,
like pepper on an egg, are pretty far and few between...
My son's tenth birthday was yesterday and he said,
"I bet you don't remember what you got for YOUR tenth birthday, do you?"
I told him I was pretty sure I was always old and crippled and never
had a tenth birthday. The truth is, I did have a tenth birthday.
It was a birthday I'll never forget
(partly because our friend, Jen, won't ever let me forget it).

...you see... I had a special kind of dad. When I was a kid I thought
he was deaf because he was always yelling. My step-mom said it was
because he had a "hair across his ass" But, I know it was really because
he was very tired from the long hours he worked on the couch.
He was a pro surfer. Anyway, picture a white-haired, scowling, madman,
who rarely smiled (and rarely wore a shirt)
(Should we attach a picture, yes, lets)













So, the story goes that Angela had a 10th birthday party and
invited all of her little fifth grade friends, Jen included (because of course,
she was my best friend). I had a Carvel cake with a picture of Michael
Jackson's Thriller album cover on it (the side where he's in the white suit not
the other side.) That was about the girliest thing about this party, was that
I had a Michael Jackson cake. See, Jen and I were the "girly" types
back then...we didn't really play with dolls or whatever, we played with
electronics and drew Bixbies (cartoons) and make videos with the
PXL 2000, but we were NOT girly-girls. "What do you want for your
birthday" they'd said... "A Diamond-Back" I wanted that BMX bike so
bad I could taste it. You could ride it in the woods, ride it fast, go over
jumps...oh yeah, what I really wanted was a Diamond Back. So, yeah,
we're having this party outside in the backyard - having a blast I'm sure,
opening gifts and whatnot, and all I remember my father saying
"Angela - Get me a facecloth" and I'm thinking, "Jesus, buddy -
I'm entertaining guests over here, can't you get it yourself?"
But instead I say, "Why?" and he yells,
"GET ME THE FACECLOTH!!"
(which Jen said scared her, by the way)
So I go into the bathroom and open the shower curtain, and there,
before my very eyes is the most devastating present I could have
gotten on my tenth birthday, "Take it outside and show your friends"
I'm thinking, "Oh god. No, not that, please, anything but that."
and just as I'm doing everything I can to stall my embarrassment,
Jen walks in to see what's taking so long and sees my shame:

No, no, folks - it's the Diamond Back I so longed for, the bike I learned
the "Act of Contrition" for so that I could be sure all of my sins were
absolved before I prayed every night for it... instead, what lies behind
the curtain is none other than Benny's special of the week:
a 1983, Girls' Bike called, "PEACHES N' CREAM"
whose main attraction was it's HUGE banana seat sporting a picture
of a bowl of peaches, and giant chain guard with the same picture,
only this one had the bike's name written out in whipped cream,
"PEACHES N' CREAM". I thought I would die of embarrassment until
I look up and see Jen's face, who's practically in tears laughing at this
monstrosity rolling out of my back door, and instead of feeling bad for me,
she yells, "RIDE IT!" "RIDE IT! RIDE IT!" I had every excuse in the book
- but then was forced to drive this hunk of junk down the street in front of
all my friends and neighbors.

similar to this.
but peach colored..








If that wasn't bad enough, the god damned handlebars fell off while
I was riding it - throwing Jen into a fitted rage of laughter... Thanks, Jen.
Thanks for always having my back during the tough times.
I sure do appreciate your support. This is why I never called her from jail,
because she'd probably show up with Channel 10 and a dozen witnesses.
"SURE! I GOT YOUR BAIL MONEY
- I'LL JUST MAKE IT BACK WITH THE PICTURES
I'M SELLING TO THE ENQUIRER!" hahahahahahahahhaha


the end