Wednesday, May 14, 2008

pie crust

circa 1993

I've mentioned in recent posts
I was employed by a supermarket in my youth..

Most of the time was spent goofing off
if you can imagine that

I was never where I was supposed to be..
often wandering about.. here and there

One day I decide to help my buddy
Derek in the deli department..
He says to me..
"Here, clean this knife for me"

the knife was very similar to
the knife Indiana Jones wielded...

so Im cleaning this knife
washed it in the sink
it's spotless!!

now it's time to dry

I'm busy jabbering away
about what.. I don't remember

my middle finger on my right hand
ACCIDENTALLY brushes over the blade just as I'm pulling
it through some paper towels to dry it off

at the top of my lungs I proclaim

all the customers in line
turned their heads at the same time - trying to
get a glimpse of the blood shed

Derek says..
"Ohhh what did you do"

I reply

as blood spurts everywhere
down my sleeve, puddling onto the floor

I say
"I gotta go.."

I cup my hand.. I apply pressure to the wound..
there's a pool of blood
running over my hand like niagara falls

I leave the deli area
an old woman approaches me
she looks down at my hand
then she looks up at me
and says in a loud irritated voice

"Where's the ready made pie crust?"

I look at her in disbelief
I'm bleeding over here!

I motion to the dairy case with my head
"it's over there"

I start to walk away

"Well I looked there I couldn't find it!!"


I walk her over to the 'Pie crust area'
leaving a trail of blood behind me...

she takes a box
she leaves

no "thanks for helping me find pie crust while
lose blood..." nothing!!!

The moral of the story?
People don't care if you're bleeding
they want their fucking pie crust
and they want it now

the end

*this has been another fascinating post from casual slack


Coffeypot said...

I would have said, "Here it is you dumb ass, and if you will just turn around and bend over I will shove it up your heartless ass before I pass out."

Faith said...

I'd have carried on getting the first aid I needed. I'd like to say unbelievable, but I've seen too many things like that not to believe it!

The Ferryman said...

Was it Stop & Shop? That's where I worked.

Special K said...

You already screamed 'fuck you' to all the patrons - yet were nice enough to show her the pie crust.

You are my hero

Bob said...

At least she wasn't looking for the Major Grey's Chutney. That shit's hard to find.

Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

People suck.

People suck, and old people don't give a shit.

Anonymous said...

Is it wrong that I laughed my ass off at this post?

Forgive me.

Anonymous said...

Hilarious... I love it!

top blog.

SkylersDad said...

nice post! I would have wiped my bleeding hand on her clothes...

Annie said...

You should have picked up the crust with your bleeding finger hand and that way she would have had a little bit of you to bring home with her.

Imagine her delight!

Anonymous said...

There was a birthday party for someone I never met and don't remember in the sticks outside of Houston. I was informed that there was a "spittin' contest" going on in the back yard.

Looked pretty stupid, so I started spittin' too.

The folks in the contest edumacated me that it was a watermelon SEED spittin' contest, and that the watermelon was on the porch if I wanted to join 'em.

I wasn't exactly a city boy, but I found the watermelon, and a knife, and while I was slicing I was assessing the competition.

That knife was VERY sharp... I didn't feel it when it cut to the bone on my left index finger.

I managed to stop the bleeding.

Half hour later, the birthday girl wanted to jilt her boyfriend and jitterbug with me.

I donated a lot of blood that night.